When I was abroad in Italy I had many moments of joy and experiences that taught me more than my textbooks have in some instances. Here are some thoughts that are a little unprecedented that I wrote about my time abroad while sitting in my tiny kitchen facing the open window where my clothes were line drying and the laughter of Italian families echoed below me:
I guess I began this journey knowing I would change. Accepting the fact that I would be different. Where I went wrong was thinking I knew how I would change. I thought “Oh ill become more introspective and independent. Ill be worldly and see things from new perspectives.” While that is not completely wrong, it isn’t the whole picture. One month has gone by since I moved to Florence and the way I am changing is unprecedented. Sitting alone in my room, slightly terrified to leave, twiddling my thumbs because I’m not sure what to do is not how I pictured my time in Italy. But I think this feeling and actions are more than depressing. I think I have unlocked another layer of myself. A vulnerable layer that I haven’t wanted to expose before. And now this layer is all that I am, I cant put it away or hide it. I am vulnerable and scared to enter the Italian sun and have it burn through me and hit my core because change is scary. It is weird and uncomfortable, a feeling I haven’t experienced since puberty really and even then it wasn’t in this way. While I haven’t changed too much yet besides gaining weight and having longer hair, my soul is ready. I am vulnerable and I need to move my legs and let my heart beat faster and my hands touch that which I have been anxious to do. I need to be free and this desire is now closer than ever. I feel free, unstoppable and that is petrifying, but I need to accept it. I am so close; just keep pushing into the form that I want to take on.
Here is a song that I listened to a lot while abroad, not sure why it gave me so much comfort and joy, but here it is: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ABYnqp-bxvg